Author Archives: FRUmonster

About FRUmonster

Don't mess with something that lasts forever!

Becoming a FRUShark: Breathing Ain’t Easy

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So, I’m a big FRU … it’s a fact!  In order to attempt to modify this fact I have attempted the following fitness activities:

  • Walking (the dog)/jogging/running – sometimes even with the assistance of a well developed C25K (couch to 5K) droid phone application.
  • Biking – no app required, just heavy metal music.
  • Sports – typically, this requires some social contact (ugh <rolls eyes>).
  • Fitness Equipment purchase – currently, a stopping place for half-empty, unpacked boxes and winter jackets that never made it to the annual winter, space bag consolidation phase.

All of the above options lead to one major problem: knee, ankle, and foot strain/pain.  You see, my right knee is a wreck.  I’m not talking about fender-bender style, either, here, people; more along the lines of say … Mack-truck-meets-smart-car.  However, I have found one activity that is low impact but gets my heart pumping and my big ass moving that does seem effective:

  • Swimming

WOOT! 

Double-bonus:  there’s a really large wet-space that is fairly well maintained near where I live … tada … linkage >>>  http://www.grantparkpool.org/?page_id=4 .  Looks like I have found my solution, right?  RIIIIIIIIGHT?!?!?!  WRONG!!!  It still seems that there are some obstacles to overcome:

  1. I am a big butch dyke.  This is another fact.  To strangers, I’m so rather androgynous, that I could probably pass for a male. 
  2. I DO NOT have the correct swimming technique.  I mean, I can swim (defined by: progressing through the water in a definitive fashion) but I have never been taught nor have I practiced correct swimming techniques. 
  3. I’m fat.

Now, #1 doesn’t cause too terribly many problems regarding the act of swimming (except for the whole “being big (aka fat)” part – this is discussed later, trust me).  But, let’s be honest with our gender-centric socialization by answering the following question:  If you look like a male, you are dressed as other male swimmers might be dressed, which dressing room/shower area would you be pointed to?  That’s right, ladies and gentlemen and everything in-between, the “Mens'” shower room.  To be sure, this is an issue that I deal with regularly.  I mean, can you imagine the double-takes my mere prescence causes on a daily basis in a corporate working environment’s womens’ bathroom?  What about at the grocery store, CVS, Wal-Mart, any resturaunt?  Ah … you get the picture; I digress.  Plus, it’s not like I truly believe that the guys in the mens’ shower room would actually care if I went walking through it to get to the pool area any more than a guy would care if I used the mens’ bathroom at the mall, CVS, Wal-Mart, etc.  What really grinds my gears (ha!) is when people double-take when I’m already in the womens’ restroom/shower area or when they misdirect me to the mens’ they assume two things:

  1. That they know how all men/women look and carry themselves; essentially, that this binary of male/female gender is the only one that exists, there is no “grey-area” of gender. 
  2. That I can’t read for myself.

The latter bugs the FUCK out of me!  Really?!?!?!  I mean, I get it, sometimes people of opposite genders walk into the bathroom by mistake.  But damn, what do you THINK is going to happen?  They enter a stall … and use it?!?!?! <gasp> Oh, NOOOOOOO! <runs, screaming>  The world is going to end because someone with a penis peed in a toilet that was labeled for use by women!  AHHHHHH!!! 

To this, I respond:  Get over yourself!  I mean, do you have “MENS” and “WOMENS” signs at home?  When you go to other peoples’ houses do you ask where is the mens’/womens’ restroom?  Should I start asking, “Hey, where’s the ‘BUTCH’ restroom?!?!?!”  Maybe I should … <scratches head, wondering if it would be any cleaner than the mens’ or womens’ bathrooms>

Anyway, on to #2 … Because I don’t know proper swimming technique, I have learned one thing: breathing is hard! 

I used to think that freestyle swimmers simply held their breath whilst their head was beneath the water and exhaled and inhaled as their head rotated from outside the water’s break.  Not true.  Apparently, swimmers are suppose to control release air into the water either through their nose or mouth as they go and then inhale as their head rotates from the water’s break. 

Brilliant!  From a sports science perspective, regular breathing will reduce the amount of C02 build-up in your body thus reducing the production of lactic acid.  The less lactic acid build-up, the less sore your body will be the next day.  The less sore you are the less fatigued you feel and therefore you can swim more, everyday even.  But it’s not easy!  Nope.  Not one bit! 

 

Whimper and Wail

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Tickin’ and slidin’
Vibrato strings,
Hardened fingertips
Slow and wanting blues
With tight strums
And runs …
 
Fill your head with
Wishy-washy slosh
Swayin’ and a-swingin’
With the rhythm
Of a-chuggin’
 
Find your slur,
Whimpers
Into Words
Quicken
Into Breath
Out again,
LOUD!
 
LOUDER!
Condemning
That pain
Under closed eyes
Willing to

Let

It

Go …
 
Stomp and fury
Beats, beatin’
Sweat, dripped
And lyric poised
From deep …

A
WAIL

Of finished
Deceit.

Wishful Thinking

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Trying to forecast this function

Work out my variables

 Of strength and value

Maxmize, if only, the illusion of courage

While minimizing the pain of risk.

I can only see adventure

Through the shadows

Of this tedious grind;

Day after day.

Grasping the thought of optimism

As a virtue

That will enlighten

My declining hope

 To someday wash my hands

Of this grime

One last time

And grin as I discover

My feet on new ground,

My old tension freshly unwound

And my heart filled

Over the brim;

A meniscus of

Passionate connections.

Bloggity Blog Blog Bloog …

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Never really considered myself too much of a great writer or journalist but realms of my life have seemed to always want to gravitate that way.  Having history in the newspaper business and then as a freelance APA style editor (and, off the record, writer) for several of my classmates essays, papers, dissertations and research analysis (not to mention the countless resumes I have written, re-written – complete with cover letters for myself and several others – which is a skill in and of itself – TRUST!!!)  has only supported that gravitational pull.  Honestly, though I have mulled over blogging for a while now;  to break up my day and engorge my down-time at the job(s) reading more than just the Words with Friends boards that I’ve come to love so well.  So here it be, my first blog is about blogging in general.  I will admit this is tons easier typing on a full keyboard than with my thumbs, but if I must I have the means to do so.  *hugs my droid* I honestly will say than I’m looking forward to embracing this new realm, especially with wonderful lifelong friends.  A giant KUDOS!!! and WOOT!!! for Tony and BOB for the idea and setup.  Welcome!  Squad and visitors … HANG ON!!! This could get weird and *shifts eyes* well …. weird is the best word I can think of at the moment pending the fact that I am still waiting on Scott’s review of some video that should be incredibly interesting.  Something about cows, I don’t know … ask him.  No, I’m serious, keep asking him until he does it … *taps foot and pokes Scott* Okay everybody, blog with us!!!

Woot and a poke,

FRUitcake

“Don’t mess with something that lasts forever!”