Recently, one of our own joined the ranks of the wed. The courtship was brief, the shotgun was loaded for bear and the wedding was attended by as many people as we could fit on the back porch.
In his sermon/eulogy, Rev. Tony—ordained by the Universal Life Church of Modesto, Calif.—spoke on the subject of insanity, or rather, not pursuing the rational (and safe) path.
“Had we always made the wise and safe decision,” Rev. Tony said, “what stories would we have to tell? We’ve always made the choice to play it close to our vest, to take the option no one in their right mind would take. We even have a name for it: crazytime. Choosing the crazy option defines us; it’s who we are.
“So,” he said, concluding his remarks and taking Cameron and his betrothed by the arm, “let’s get crazy.”
In illustration of Cameron’s propensity for craziness, I prepared before the wedding a list of all the crazy stuff that I could think of that Cameron has done. Easily, my encouragement accounts for somewhere on the order of 98 to 99 percent of this list, which Rev. Tony pulled from his pocket and read aloud prior to the happy couple reciting their vows.
It was a good list. I thought it deserved sharing.
So, in tribute to our dear Cameron and his new missus, we present but a brief, unordered and uncategorized list of Cameron’s craziness:
- Threw darts at his butt
- Ate a potentially fatal quantity of off-brand hotdogs
- Went streaking
- Catapulted himself across an empty parking lot on a wooden pallet
- Attempted to drink a gallon of milk in under an hour
- Smoked concentrated Country Time Lemonade
- Participated in a contest of self gratification
- Snorted a line of wasabi
- Went streaking again
- Drank a bottle of Karo corn syrup, then vomited foam
- Participated in another hotdog eating contest
- Shocked his testicles with an electric flyswatter
- Tried to drink another gallon of milk in under an hour
- Participated in another contest of self gratification (but this time for speed and volume)
- Participated in a green bean eating contest
- Allowed roman candles to be fired at his bare butt
- Lit his farts
- Tried to drink yet another gallon of milk in under an hour
- Lit my farts on fire, subsequently almost burning down an apartment building
- Participated in a catfish eating contest
- Shot bottle rockets out of his butt crack
- Went streaking—again
- Ate a gallon of pickles while driving back home from Panama City Beach, which led to him soiling his pants (the first time)
- Convinced him that, by using a brown eyeliner pencil, no one could tell that one of his sideburns has a one-inch bald patch in it
- Drank until he passed out and awoke with his pants soiled—again
- Picked up three underage girls and drove them around Panama City Beach while they stood in his Jeep, without seatbelts, while he was on probation
- Blew through $500 on strippers and hookers between Tijuana, Long Beach, Calif., and Las Vegas
- Got wasted in Long Beach, Calif., and wandered off into the ghetto wearing nothing but a pair of bright yellow swim trunks
- Tried to pace Rev. Tony gulp-by-gulp with a bottle of bourbon—while underage—and ended up crawling into his parents’ room that night (he has no recollection of this)
I hope you will continue to return to squad-blog.com and search through our archives to learn more about the stories behind these terrible mistakes/good times.
It’s always crazytime somewhere.